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PAVOGTA VAIKYSTĖ. TIKRA ISTORIJA APIE VIENO VAIKO SEKSUALINĮ IŠNAUDOJIMĄ

Kauno įvykiai sukėlė milžinišką rezonansą. Siūlau savo skaitytojams amerikietišką istoriją, kuri pasakoja kelionę iš skausmo žemės į šviesą. Deja, lietuviško analogo nėra…

A. Huskey, Douners Grovo (Ilinojus) ligoninės psichiatrijos skyriaus vyriausioji sesuo, daugel metų dirbo su žmonėmis, patyrusiais seksualinį išnaudojimą. Ji yra ne tik pripažinta šios srities ekspertė, bet ir nukentėjusioji. Vaikystėje Alisą seksualiai išnaudojo jos tėvas. Be pagražinimų papasakota asmeninė istorija dar ir paaiškina, kodėl, nepaisydama gilių psichikos sužalojimų, ji gyvena džiaugsmingą ir prasmingą gyvenimą.

Pradžia

Kaip tekėjo mano gyvenimas iki išnaudojimo, beveik neprisimenu. Tačiau lyg per miglą matau save, maždaug trejų metukų mergaitę, vieną rytą pabudusią ir pastebėjusią, kad guliu be pižamos kelnių. Suglumau. Tačiau greit prisiminiau, kad naktį man jas numovė tėvas.

Tai, kas pradžioje atrodė taip nekalta, palengva augo į skausmingą patirtį. Mano gyvenimą ėmė valdyti paslaptis ir baimė. Tikrai nesupratau, kas su manimi vyksta. Kai mama dirbdavo naktinėje pamainoje, tėvas ateidavo prie lovos ir nešdavosi mane į savąją. Seksualiniai jo reikalavimai keitėsi, tačiau tai, ką tekdavo patirti, atimdavo iš manęs žadą, priversdavo sustingti iš skausmo ir baimės, atrodė, kad tuoj uždusiu, suims vėmulys.

Trumpus naktinius apsilankymus keitė ilgi vakarai, ilgos naktys ir savaitgaliai. Vėliau jis prievartaudavo mane kasdien. Kartais apsimesdavau mieganti. Ieškodama išsigelbėjimo, stipriau spaudžiausi prie sienos. Kartais norėdama jo išvengti pasipriešindavau, atsisakydama ledų, kuriuos gaudavau kaip atlygį. Tačiau nepadėjo niekas. Aš buvau tik vaikas, tenkinęs seksualinius suaugusiojo poreikius. Tėvo elgesį šiandien aš jau vadinu „incestu“. Nei fizinių, nei dvasinių ar psichinių gynybos priemonių, kuriomis naudojosi suaugusieji, aš kaip vaikas neturėjau. Apie tai, kas su manimi vyko, negalėjau niekam pasakoti, – aš jo bijojau.

Žinoma, tėvo paklausiau, kodėl jis verčia mane daryti tai, kuo bjauriuosi. Jis atsakė norįs mane kai ko išmokyti ir kad „taip reikia“. Primygtinai reikalavo jo daugiau nebeklausinėti. Privalau jam paklusti ir juo pasitikėti – jis stengiasi dėl manęs ir linki paties geriausio.

Vis dėlto tikėti jo žodžiais man buvo sunku. Jie buvo prieštaringi ir sužadino man prieštaringus jausmus. Turėjau jausti malonumą, bet nejutau. Turėtų būti viskas gerai, bet privalėjau kažkodėl visa tai laikyti paslaptyje. Taigi tėvo žodžiuose nebuvo jokios prasmės. Kartais smalsumas įveikdavo baimę. Tada imdavau ieškoti įvaikinimo dokumentų, – netikėjau, kad esu savo tėvų vaikas.

Šiek tiek palengvėjo tada, kai gimė broliukas. Pas mus apsilankė močiutė ir aš maldavau, kad ji pasiimtų mane kartu. Numačiau laimingus metus: galėsiu mėgautis rūpestinga mylinčios senelės ir tetų globa. Tačiau džiaugsmas truko neilgai. Vienas giminaitis apsilankė pas mus ir pareikalavo iš manęs to paties, ko ir tėvas. Greitai šio žmogaus buvimo nebegalėjau pakęsti.

Po metų grįžau namo. Tėvas vėl ėmė mane prievartauti. Norėdamas priversti mane paklusti, jis buvo pasiruošęs griebtis tiek prievartos, tiek dovanų. Mačiau, kaip jis fiziškai žalojo mano broliuką. Puikiai žinojau, ką reiškia turėti tėvo pirštų įspaudas ant veido. Kai sykį pamačiau, kaip jis mušė mamą, manyje kažkas trūko.

Kartą vienas berniūkštis pasakė man, kad jis žinąs, ką tėvas su manimi daro. Jis griebėsi šantažo: jeigu nesileisiu su savimi daryti to paties, grasino viską papasakoti tėvui. Nenorėjau pasiduoti, bet jis vis tiek tai padarė. Man tai kėlė siaubą, žinojau, kad taip elgtis neteisinga, bet jaučiausi bejėgė.

Atsivėrimas

Anksčiau niekuomet nekilo mintis mamai arba kam nors kitam papasakoti apie prievartavimą ir patiriamą skausmą. Tačiau būdama trylikos, paslaptį vis dėlto išdaviau. O tada nebeliko nieko kito, kaip atsakyti už šį savo poelgį. Motinos reakcija buvo siaubinga, bet jai užteko jėgų teisingiems žingsniams. Svarbiausia, kad ji manimi tikėjo.

Kai kurie bendruomenės draugai, atrodo, padėjo mamai, bet paskalos, skleidžiamos bažnyčioje ir mieste, kirto labai skaudžiai. Atmenu vieną bendruomenės išvyką, kurioje dalyvavome ir mes su mama. Tąkart norėjau būti tik šalia jos. Mama buvo viskas, ką turėjau, man jos reikėjo. Bet ji norėjo pasišnekėti su savo draugais ir paprašė palikti ją vieną. Negalėjau to suprasti. Man atrodė, lyg ant mano kaklo kabotų lentelė su užrašu: „Nesiartinkite – murzina, bjauri, pikta, kalta!“

Slenkant metams saugodama save aš palengva atsiskyriau nuo visuomenės. Jeigu žmonės sužinos, kad buvau seksualiai išnaudojama, manęs nebemėgs, – galvojau aš. Dar blogiau: buvau įsitikinusi, kad po viso to, ką padariau, negaliu tikėtis draugų – jų paprasčiausiai nenusipelniau.

Už užstatą tėvas buvo paleistas iš kardomojo kalinimo. Puoliau į paniką – juk jo tūžmastį turėjo lydėti kerštas. Aš niekada nesijaučiau iš tiesų saugi.

Pagaliau policijos automobiliu buvau atgabenta į vaikų namus. Nors tai turėjo apsaugoti mane nuo prievartos, viešnagę ten visgi priėmiau kaip bausmę. Girdėdavau, kaip vaikų namų globėjai kalbėdavo: „Teismai netiki mergaite, jie tiki suaugusiais“. Situacija atrodė beviltiška.

Tuomet turėjau atlikti įvairiausių psichologinių testų, bet negavau jokios sielovadinės ar psichoterapinės pagalbos. Nusprendžiau sielovada pasirūpinti pati. Bandžiau pasišnekėti su kunigu, atsakingu už šiuos namus, bet nei paguodos, nei palengvėjimo nesuradau. Jaučiausi labai nutolusi nuo Dievo. Buvau tikra, kad jo akyse esu tikra dvasios nevykėlė.

Po to buvo teismas. Tai veikė siaubingai slegiančiai. Jaučiausi kamantinėjama vyrų, kurie uždavinėjo man įvairius klausimus. Niekuomet nežinojau, kuris iš jų buvo mano pusėje, – jeigu apskritai tokių buvo.

Tėvas taip daug metų ir taip dažnai mane prievartavo – kaip galėjau prisiminti kiekvieno akto datą, laiką ir trukmę? O tai pasirodė būtina motyvuotam nuosprendžiui priimti. Kaip galėjau prisiminti mažiausiai dešimt metų trukusį seksualinį išnaudojimą, kai priešindamasi gėdai ir pajuokai, nuolat gniaužiau savo jausmus ir mintis? Aš neturėjau aiškaus laiko ir įvykių suvokimo. Visa, ką žinojau, buvo tai, ką man buvo sakęs tėvas. Visa, ką turėjau – tai vaiko įvaizdis apie nepaprastai stiprų ir valdingą tėvą. Vis labiau ir labiau ėmiau tikėti tuo, kad esu vienintelė tokia, kuri kelia problemų ir kad bausmė už tai jau prasidėjo.

Tėvas išsisuko trumpu areštu. (Tiesa, palikdamas teismo salę jis dar pagrasino mane nužudysiąs). Laiminga pabaiga netikėjau. Bylos nagrinėjimas ir apklausos baigėsi, tačiau jaučiausi dar labiau atstumta, dar mažiau verta meilės, dar kaltesnė.

Nenorėjau skaudinti motinos ir nusprendžiau laikytis nuo jos atokiau. Paprašiau vienos šeimos mane pagloboti – tai buvo pačios pasiskirta bausmė. Negalėjau įsivaizduoti, kad mama tebemyli mane po to, kai aš sugrioviau šeimos gyvenimą ir uždariau jos vyrą į kalėjimą.

Praslinkus devyniems išsiskyrimo su motina mėnesiams grįžau į namus. Tėvai jau buvo išsiskyrę. Prisiekiau savo ir motinos santykiuose viską atitaisyti ir apie viską pasišnekėti. Atmenu, kaip vieną naktį ieškodama kontakto prislinkau prie jos lovos. Atsako nebuvo. To, ko tikėjausi, neįvyko.

Atstūmimas

Lytinis brendimas skatina paauglį kritiškai žiūrėti į vertybes ir ieškoti savųjų mastelių. Mano gyvenimo situacija teigiamų ir subalansuotų rezultatų neteikė. Socialinė izoliacija sumenkino jau ir taip prastą mano sugebėjimą užmegzti kontaktus ir dar sustiprino kaltės jausmą bei savisaugą. Aš vis labiau tolau nuo savo bendraamžių, o dėl visų savo problemų kaltinau juos. Tačiau aš troškau draugų ir vietos grupėje. Man žūtbūt reikėjo bendraamžių pripažinimo.

Susitikinėjau su vaikinais iš kitų miestų, kadangi jie nežinojo mano praeities. Troškau artimo ryšio, norėjau būti mylima, bet išmaniau tik apie seksualinio pobūdžio santykius. Vyresnius draugus, siekusius vien sekso, atstumdavau, tačiau su jaunesniais, kurie išties patiko, ieškojau tik lytinio artumo. Buvau pasiruošusi padaryti viską, kad tik nebūčiau jų atstumta. Šiandien esu dėkinga Dievui už tai, kad jis suvedė mane su vyrais, turėjusiais tvirtą moralę ir nepasidavusiais suvedžioti.

Galvojau, kad geri pažymiai padės man rasti pripažinimą, ir visuose dalykuose, išskyrus fizinį lavinimą, siekiau aukščiausio įvertinimo. Visos tos pastangos mano lūkesčių nepateisino, jos nepaveikė ir santykių su motina. Tuomet pabandžiau gauti blogus pažymius – norėjau, kad mane priimtų kita bendraamžių grupė. Bet ir tai nuėjo perniek.

Moralė ir vertybių nustatymas man buvo labai svarbūs. Daug laiko praleisdavau Bažnyčios jaunimo grupėje, Biblijos ratelyje ir kituose krikščioniškuose renginiuose. Nepaisydama aktyvios religinės veiklos, jaučiausi nemorali.

Jaučiau kaltę, nes nepaklusau tėvui. Aš jį išdaviau, ypač teisme. Bet juk pasakiau tiesą. Kai gimtadienio proga tėvas atsiuntė atviruką su Biblijos eilute, raginančia vaikus paklusti savo tėvams, pajutau dar didesnę kaltę. Gal buvau iš tiesų neteisi?

Tvirtai tikėjau, kad Dievas irgi užsirūstinęs ant manęs. Aš išpūsdavau kiekvieną Biblijos eilutę, perdėtai reaguodavau į kiekvieną pamokslą, kiekvieną Biblijos skaitymo metu išgirstą mintį. Kaskart, išgirdusi ką nors apie tyrumą, matydavau save kaip vienintelę nevykėlę ir jaučiausi be galo prislėgta. Mano įsivaizduojamas Dievo paveikslas, ypač jo kaip mylinčio Tėvo, buvo iškreiptas asmeninio patyrimo, kurį įgijau su savo kūniškuoju tėvu. Ar kada nors galėsiu būti savimi patenkinta? Ar ilgainiui rasiu atleidimą ir ramybę? Jausdama paraginimą dažnai ateidavau prie altoriaus ir iš naujo atiduodavau savo gyvenimą Jėzui Kristui. Klausiau savęs, ar padariau iš tiesų mirtiną nuodėmę ir ar būsiu amžiams už tai pasmerkta? Nusprendžiau, kad Dievo ir žmonių palankumą užsitarnausiu tobulumu ir pasiaukojimu.

Darbas buvo ta sritis, kurioje galėjau save paskandinti. Suaugusiųjų pasaulyje jaučiausi geriau. Be to, džiaugiausi galėdama šiek tiek užsidirbti. Maniau, kad už pinigus galėsiu nusipirkti ir santykius, kurių panorėsiu. Švenčių ir laisvalaikio pramogų, kuriose dalyvaudavo bendraamžiai, atsisakydavau – man taip buvo daug patogiau.

Aštuoniolikos - devyniolikos metų nutariau išvykti ir išbandyti savo jėgas slaugydama ligonius. Norėjau tarnauti Dievui ir pabėgti nuo mane supusių žmonių santykių. Tai ir vėl buvo tam tikra bauda sau. Ligonių slaugymas reiškė man iššūkį, tačiau už šio profesinio apsisprendimo slėpėsi negeri motyvai – aš negalėjau pakęsti nesėkmės!

Buvo sunku, bet teko pripažinti, kad patirta seksualinė prievarta persmelkė kiekvieną mano gyvenimo sritį. Kol man pavykdavo pabėgti nuo prisiminimų, atrodė viskas įveikiama; ir kol išstūmimo mechanizmų – darbo ir tarnavimo Dievui – niekas nepuldavo, gyvenau taip, ką kiti pavadintų normaliu krikščionio gyvenimu. Bet iš tikrųjų fizinėje, emocinėje, socialinėje ir dvasinėje plotmėje viskas buvo išėję iš vėžių. Kiekvieną dieną, savaitę, kiekvieną mėnesį ir kiekvienais naujais metais man buvo vis sunkiau išlaikyti pusiausvyrą. Spaudimas pareikalavo savo.

Bandymai pabėgti

Mano bandymai pabėgti ir ieškojimai buvo susiję su dažnomis permainomis, taip pat ir renkantis profesiją. Dar vaikystėje buvau taip sujaudinta misionieriškų pasakojimų, kad svajote svajojau apie tą dieną, kai tapsiu misioniere. Dirbti užsienyje ir skleisti tikėjimo tiesas man buvo aukščiausias tikslas, kokį tik savo gyvenime gali pasiekti krikščionė.

Tos svajonės atvedė mane į Biblijos mokyklą, o vėliau ir į vieną visuomeninės veiklos centrą, kur įsidarbinau kaip medicinos sesuo, bei į Amerikos moterų organizaciją. Jeigu gerai atliksiu pavestą darbą, maniau aš, Dievas, žvelgdamas į mano praeitį, bus atlaidus.

Misionierės gyvenimas turėjo daug privalumų. Galėjau įsitraukti į naują darbą, ugdyti savo sugebėjimus ir susipažinti su daugeliu žmonių bei šeimų, puoselėjančių nuostabius ryšius tarpusavyje ir su Dievu. Tai teikė džiaugsmo, bet tuo pat metu užeidavo periodų, kai vėl imdavau abejoti. Buvo nesunku kalbėti apie Jėzų Kristų kaip apie Gelbėtoją, bet giliai širdyje dažnai galvojau, kad mano gyvenimas yra farsas ir kad Evangelija skirta kitiems, tik ne man.

Mano vidinė kova pasireiškė perfekcionizmu, autoriteto problema viršesniųjų atžvilgiu ir šiurkštumu santykiuose su bendraamžiais. Kad ir kaip skaudžiai kovojau, Dievas nenustojo mokęs gyventi subalansuoto gyvenimo. Šiandien su dėkingumu galiu pasakyti: koks gi sudaužytas bebūtų buvęs tas mano gyvenimas, Dievui jis vis tiek buvo reikalingas.

Tačiau vidines kovas lydėjęs spaudimas man buvo per didelis ir aš supratau, kad turiu atsisakyti misionieriškos tarnystės. Jaučiausi tikra nevykėlė, bet vis dėlto tikėjausi, kad Dievas yra paruošęs man kažką kita. Mano apsisprendimas tapti medicinos sesele buvo paremtas baime: kad Dievas ir kiti mane priimtų, privalėjau užsitarnauti. Nebenorėjau būti baimės valdoma ir palikau savo tarnybą, kad išmokčiau ko nors naujo.

Išgijimas

Nuo to laiko, kai ryžausi prabilti apie patirtą seksualinę prievartą, jau buvo praėję trisdešimt metų. Aš sėkmingai studijavau psichologiją. Visus tuos metus Dievas išnaudojo giliam vidiniam mano gyvenimui gydyti. Palengva įgijau sugebėjimų, kuriuos brendimo laikotarpiu buvau atsisakiusi ugdyti.

Tai nereiškia, kad jau anksčiau Dievas nebuvo pradėjęs manęs gydyti. Kai buvau kamuojama gilios depresijos, jis neleido man užbaigti savo gyvenimo. Jis neleido man išprotėti. Tačiau aš leidau jam prisiliesti tik prie paviršinių žaizdų, – nebuvau pasiruošusi susiremti su savo skaudžia praeitimi. Kai vis dėlto ryžausi parodyti žaizdas, atiduoti Dievui praeities košmarą ir atleisti žmonėms, kurie buvo mane įskaudinę, įvyko didelių permainų. Šis procesas atnešė man sunkiai pakeliamų vidinių skausmų, bet Dievas išgydė mane, o to man taip reikėjo.

Tada pirmą kartą man paaiškėjo, kad aš buvau seksualinio išnaudojimo auka. Nusikaltimas įvykdytas prieš mane! Ne aš buvau už tai atsakinga, ne aš dėl to kalta! Šis visiškai naujas požiūris padėjo atpažinti Dievo atleidimo reikšmingumą. Mano nuolatiniai prašymai, kad Dievas man atleistų, buvo nereikalingi, nes atleidimo man nereikėjo. Šėtonas įkalbėjo man kaltę, kurios nebuvo.

Supratusi savo kaip aukos padėtį vėl galėjau dėkoti Dievui.

Vieną vakarą sėdėjau lovoje ir meldžiausi. Staiga iš tolimiausio mano širdies kampelio iškilo visas įniršis, skausmas ir neapykanta, kuriuos metų metus neigiau arba laikiau savyje užgniaužusi. Žmonėms, kurie mane seksualiai išnaudojo, pagaliau galėjau atleisti. Tada pirmąkart kitaip suvokiau Dievo malonę, jo teikiamą ramybę, jo gailestingumą, draugiškumą ir atlaidumą. Kokie tai puikūs dalykai, pakeitę mano įniršį, abejones, mano nekantrumą, perfekcionizmą, sąžinės graužatį ir teisėjo dvasią! Aš jau nebebuvau savo nelaimės vergė. Koks išlaisvinimas!

Vidinis ir išorinis elgesys, daugiau kaip keturias dešimtis metų formavęs kūnišką, emocinį, psichinį ir dvasinį mano gyvenimą, nebuvo pakeistas kaip burtų lazdele. Bet šiandien manęs jau nebepersekioja jausmas, kad seksualinio smurto pasekmės kaip koks vėžys graužia mano gyvenimą. Dabar gyvenimas nušvito naujomis ir prasmingomis spalvomis. Aš patyriau išnaudojimą, bet niekada nebuvau palikta!

Vertė Vilija Adomavičiūtė

Versta iš: Huskey A. Stolen Childhood. – Inter Varsity Press: Downers Grove, 1990

Žurnalas Prizmė 1997/3

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219 komentarai

  1. Nelabai drįstu spausti “patiko”, nes skaitant[ypač "Pradžią"] maišėsi gailestis su įniršiu.. Sukrečianti istorija. Kaip dar Žemė tokius Išperas nešioja? Nesuprantu…

    lifefil | 2009-10-13 | Atsakyti

  2. isnaudojamu vaiku labai daug…netgi ne simtai.

    kostia | 2009-10-13 | Atsakyti

  3. sukrėtė iki sielos gelmių.

    ciupendeilissimo | 2009-10-13 | Atsakyti

  4. seksualiai isnaudojo ir dar tevas. Dieve, kaip baisu..Manau, zmones, kurie tvirkina vaikus neturetu vaikscioti ant sios zemes.Slykstus zmones.

    egle | 2009-10-13 | Atsakyti

  5. Dienos anekdotas. Vilniaus apygardos vyr. prokuroras įteikia pareiškimą Kauno apygardos administraciniam teismui, kad Kedžio dukrą paliktų ne artimųjų, bet institucinei globai. Ir tai daroma, kai vaiką, sutvarkius visus dokumentus, atsiėmė teta. NUO ŠIO PRAŠYMO MAGRINĖJIMO NUSIŠALINO VISI TEISĖJAI.
    Šiurpas krečia. Kokioj šaly mes gyvenam??? Vaikas tampomas kaip žaislas, kol dėdės prokurorai tarpusavyje nesutaria, kieno sprendimų reiktų paisyti, kieno- ne.

    Rytis | 2009-10-13 | Atsakyti

  6. Man labai keista, kad ji ir suaugusi jautėsi kalta dėl kažko - juk suaugę ar paaugliai jau supranta kas yra pedofilija, incestas, ir geba įvertinti tokių reiškinių moralinį atspalvį. Aš manau, kad ta šeima, kurioje ji užaugo, apskritai netinkamai auklėjo vaikus- ji nebūtų jautusi tokios kaltės, jei būtų nuo mažens žinojusi kas yra nusikaltimas prieš vaiką, kaip galima elgtis su vaiku, o kas bjauru ir neteisėta, o dar atsiranda tokių, kurie kritikuoja oficialių vaiko teisių egzistavimą. Be to mokyklos ir darželiai turbūt tais laikais nesirūpino šviesti vaikus tokiais klausimais, ir kad toks suaugusių elgesys su vaikais yra nusikalstamas. Aš nuo mažens žinojau, kad jokiame kontekste ir jokiomis aplinkybėmis niekas neturi teisės maskatuoti prieš mane b…iu, ar juo labiau juo liesti, grabinėti lytinių organų ar laižyti, ir aš nuo mažens žinojau, kad toks lietimas ne vaikams, ir yra šlykštus nusikaltimas prieš juos, ir kad kai kurie blogi tėvai taip nusikalsta prieš vaikus. Man atrodo, kad toks auklėjimas turėtų būti visose šeimose.

    J. | 2009-10-13 | Atsakyti

  7. Mane įpatingai sukrėtė filmass : I know my first name is Steven.
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